Slaying the Dragon of Guilt
Suppose you felt some discomfort somewhere inside your stomach, then you visit a doctor to find out what's wrong when the discomfort persists for two weeks. And then after the doctor examines you, the HR manager of the hospital drops on you this bombshell - you have only about six months to live because your pancreas has a cancerous growth that is too advanced to be cured and contained.
Now tell me, what would you do next after receiving that bombshell? Me, I would start writing a booklet titled My Last Lecture in which I would pour out my advice to youngsters still in high school on what constitutes a good life other than having a job and a family. And that's developing a life-long passion for learning and building a network of supportive friends.
As part of my last lecture booklet, I would make it known to youngsters that guilt is one of the negative emotions they will have to grapple with in their adult life, wapende wasipende.
For me, I first had my terrible encounters with guilt roughly nine years ago as a 21-year old young man when I was at the university in JKUAT. It was a natural consequence of the way I had messed up in 2008 after I went astray at the university.
I can still vividly recall one of those first encounters with guilt back in 2009. I had just dropped out JKUAT where my family had prevailed on me to report back and repeat the second year I had failed to finish the previous year after I went astray at the university. A friend of mine at the university named 'Sir' Emmanuel Karanja must have discerned something was amiss with me because he remarked of how sedated I looked after we met at the university that evening.
Then later on in late 2010, I was struck by a similar guilt complex after I went for choir practice at All Saints Cathedral in Nairobi on a Saturday. Imagine I felt so guilty that Saturday evening that I couldn't withstand being seen on the streets of Nairobi on my way back home. It was like I was running away from people who weren't chasing me.
Since then, I have felt recurring emotions of guilt but most of which have not been as severe as the two guilt complexes I've told you I felt that evening I met with 'Sir' Emmanuel Karanja and the Saturday evening I couldn't withstand being seen on the streets of Nairobi.
To tell you the truth, I've never done anything sinister to warrant the dozens of times I have felt guilty over the last seven years. Maybe they have been God's way of punishing me for the pain I caused to my family pain after I ignominiously dropped out of JKUAT in 2008 and again when I did the same when I was at the University of Nairobi in 2011.
Yes, those are the only two satanic sins I have committed in my life so far. Otherwise I have never oppressed anyone or conned someone of his money.
Over the past four months since the new year began, I have been at peace with myself most of the times. But something happened in the past two weeks that revealed the dragon of guilt is yet to die in me completely. I did feel a little guilty several times last week - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified guilt which paralyses needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.
I once read in a local daily of one columnist named Chris Hart advising us that we acknowledge and embrace our weaknesses. That sounds like a great weapon of slaying the dragon of guilt that has been alive in me since 2009. So let me now make my main weakness known to the whole world.
And that's my tendency to oversleep whenever I have nothing to look forward to the following day. I tell you, I can get terribly lazy by sleeping from 7.00pm at night to 1.00pm the following day like I did yesterday. That's my main weakness and I am relieved that the whole world now knows about it.
As I've said, I usually oversleep whenever I have nothing to look forward to. I am thinking the best way to remedy that weakness is by posting a story everyday in this lovely blog of mine which has brought meaning and purpose to my life. So as from now henceforth, God-willing, I will be posting a story in this blog for you to read in all days apart from weekends and national holidays.
By the way, I am always delighted and very delighted indeed to see from my blog statistics that people all over the world do take time to read the stories I post here. People from as far as Australia to Canada, from Peru to Japan, from South Africa to Denmark, and from Great Britain to India.
Thank you, my dear reader (yes, you!), for being among those who delight me. Without people like you, I would be having nothing to look forward to on most days. Again thank you. For that, please rush to the nearest restaurant from where you are and order any meal you like. And when they ask you to pay, tell them I sent you!
2ND EDITION: I edited my autobiography - accessible by clicking the "About" link in the menu at the top and at the bottom of this blog. Click it to read an updated account of my life.
 wapende wasipende is a popular phrase here in Kenya which means "whether they like it or not".
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UPDATE: I have removed this story for reasons I beg not to explain. Sorry for any inconveniences.