Slaying the Dragon of Guilt
Suppose you felt some discomfort somewhere inside your stomach, then you visit a doctor to find out what's wrong when the discomfort persists for two weeks. And then after the doctor examines you, the HR manager of the hospital drops on you this bombshell - you have only about six months to live because your pancreas has a cancerous growth that is too advanced to be cured and contained.
Now tell me, what would you do next after receiving that bombshell? Me, I would start writing a booklet titled My Last Lecture in which I would pour out my advice to youngsters still in high school on what constitutes a good life other than having a job and a family. And that's developing a life-long passion for learning and building a network of supportive friends.
As part of my last lecture booklet, I would make it known to youngsters that guilt is one of the negative emotions they will have to grapple with in their adult life, wapende wasipende.
For me, I first had my terrible encounters with guilt roughly nine years ago as a 21-year old young man when I was at the university in JKUAT. It was a natural consequence of the way I had messed up in 2008 after I went astray at the university.
I can still vividly recall one of those first encounters with guilt back in 2009. I had just dropped out JKUAT where my family had prevailed on me to report back and repeat the second year I had failed to finish the previous year after I went astray at the university. A friend of mine at the university named 'Sir' Emmanuel Karanja must have discerned something was amiss with me because he remarked of how sedated I looked after we met at the university that evening.
Then later on in late 2010, I was struck by a similar guilt complex after I went for choir practice at All Saints Cathedral in Nairobi on a Saturday. Imagine I felt so guilty that Saturday evening that I couldn't withstand being seen on the streets of Nairobi on my way back home. It was like I was running away from people who weren't chasing me.
Since then, I have felt recurring emotions of guilt but most of which have not been as severe as the two guilt complexes I've told you I felt that evening I met with 'Sir' Emmanuel Karanja and the Saturday evening I couldn't withstand being seen on the streets of Nairobi.
To tell you the truth, I've never done anything sinister to warrant the dozens of times I have felt guilty over the last seven years. Maybe they have been God's way of punishing me for the pain I caused to my family pain after I ignominiously dropped out of JKUAT in 2008 and again when I did the same when I was at the university in Nairobi in 2011.
Yes, those are the only two satanic sins I have committed in my life so far. Otherwise I have never oppressed anyone or conned someone of his money.
Over the past four months since the new year began, I have been at peace with myself most of the times. But something happened in the past two weeks that revealed the dragon of guilt is yet to die in me completely. I did feel a little guilty several times last week - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified guilt which paralyses needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.
I once read in a local daily of one columnist named Chris Hart advising us that we acknowledge and embrace our weaknesses. That sounds like a great weapon of slaying the dragon of guilt that has been alive in me since 2009. So let me now make my main weakness known to the whole world.
And that's my tendency to oversleep whenever I have nothing to look forward to the following day. I tell you, I can get terribly lazy by sleeping from 7.00pm at night to 1.00pm the following day like I did yesterday. That's my main weakness and I am relieved that the whole world now knows about it.
As I've said, I usually oversleep whenever I have nothing to look forward to. I am thinking the best way to remedy that weakness is by posting a story everyday in this lovely blog of mine which has brought meaning and purpose to my life. So as from now henceforth, God-willing, I will be posting a story in this blog for you to read in all days apart from weekends and national holidays.
By the way, I am always delighted and very delighted indeed to see from my blog statistics that people all over the world do take time to read the stories I post here. People from as far as Australia to Canada, from Peru to Japan, from South Africa to Denmark, and from Great Britain to India.
Thank you, my dear reader (yes, you!), for being among those who delight me. Without people like you, I would be having nothing to look forward to on most days. Again thank you. For that, please rush to the nearest restaurant from where you are and order any meal you like. And when they ask you to pay, tell them I sent you!
2ND EDITION: I edited my autobiography - accessible by clicking the "About" link in the menu at the top and at the bottom of this blog. Click it to read an updated account of my life.
 wapende wasipende is a popular phrase here in Kenya which means "whether they like it or not".
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Reclaiming My Sanity
At one time in 2016, I was having a conversation on the progress of this lovely blog of mine with my siblings in a Whatsapp group of ours when my eldest brother Joe Kagigite suggested I analyse what's working and what's not working. That phrase I have displayed in green captured my attention and stuck in my mind as a result.
And two years later, I found myself pondering on that phrase today when analysing a behaviour I have been having for the last ten years. A behaviour I have tried to encourage in myself over the past six months or so under the guise of being unique and different.
Today however, I have resolved to do away with that behaviour because it hasn't been working, so to speak. As in, it hasn't been producing the peace of mind that endureth.
To make it seem more evil, I have labelled that behaviour as "insane". After all, who would want to be known as insane? Not me.
And so, you might be asking, which is this insane behaviour have I been having for the last ten years? Well, it has all been about talking to myself loudly whenever I get excited. Like I can recite some of my favourite ditties, memorized passages or sing out some hymns when walking out there in the streets in full public view.
It has always felt nice of me to talk out loudly to myself whenever those moments of excitement strike. That's why I have relished that behaviour.
In the final analysis though, that's the insane behaviour I have resolved to do away with in an effort to reclaim my sanity, so to speak. I have arrived at that conclusion after viewing the impact of the behaviour from different angles.
First, talking out loudly to myself has never produced for me the peace of mind that endureth as I have already pointed out. That's probably because I never get time to digest, process and relate the information I have been receiving from my senses, thoughts as well as books.
Secondly, I am now of the opinion that most folks out there can't respect me when they see me talking out loudly to myself like a mad man on escape from a mental hospital. And since there is a co-relation between respect and genuinely acquired wealth, that's another reason I have done away with that behaviour.
For the last six or so years, I have actually at times been concerned about people's perception of me when they see me talking out loudly to myself. At one time, I had the impression that President John F. Kennedy wouldn't go around talking to himself as I have done on many occasions.
And I really don't know how I came to have President Kennedy in mind when pondering on that insane behaviour. Or maybe it is as a result of the way I idolized President Kennedy when I was a first-year student at the university in JKUAT eleven years ago.
Like at one time back then, I came across Theodore White's The Making of the President in JKUAT's library. The cover-page photo of the book was of the face of President Kennedy which brought him out as a calm, composed and strikingly handsome president. Whenever I visited the library, I often headed to the library rack where the book was shelved just to have a look at that cover-page photo of President Kennedy.
Around that time, I also came across a photo of President Kennedy with his wife Jackie in GCSE Modern World History which I equally admired with great reverence. Imagine I so admired the photo that I cut it out from the book and glued it in an exercise book in which I pasted pictures of other heroes of mine.
Unfortunately, I tore that exercise book into pieces later on in my second year at the university in a fit of rage after thinking that admiring images of fellow human beings was like worshipping them instead of God.
Anyway, the admiration I had of President Kennedy when I was a first-year student at the university in JKUAT must be the reason I had the opinion that President Kennedy wouldn't go around talking to himself loudly as I have done for the last ten years. So from now hence-forth, with God's help, I will strive to be calm and composed by mentally digesting whatever information maybe clamouring for expression on my lips.
I have thus kind of officially moved my mouth to my mind - to borrow the words of the Book of Sirach in the Catholic Bible which says this in verse 26-28 of Chapter 21: "The mind of fools is in their mouths but the mouth of the wise is in their mind."
Those two verses bear the same message as Proverbs 18:2 which says "a fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions" - don't they?
Yes, I have resolved to do away with that insane behaviour of talking to myself loudly and reclaim my sanity by digesting information inwardly. By so doing, I believe that I will attain attain a peace of mind that endureth. Or to borrow the words of a favourite hymn of mine, I believe that I will be "controlled and cleanly night and day".
And as it has been the case with everything I have undertaken in the last two years, I have involved God in my new resolution. I have prayed not only for strength to carry out the resolution but also for love that I may love my preferred new way of behaving.
But unlike before, I have used fasting as another tool of petition to God which also reflects how ardently I desire to reclaim my sanity. So I haven't eaten since today 1.00pm and won't take anything but water until tomorrow 1.00pm.