Jeremiah's strong work ethic made me like him during his first days here at home. But as the weeks rolled by, I began to notice a weakness in his character. He could be discourteous to me, like he did one night when he shouted at me impolitely for putting a bunch of spinach leaves in the fridge.
I felt insulted to hear him shout at me impolitely. Later on, I regretted why I hadn't faced him squarely in the eyes and instructed him to address me respectfully.
Perhaps encouraged by my timidity, Jeremiah began to talk back to me. Whenever I asked him whether there was any rice for cooking, he would snap back in Swahili, "Go look in the cabinet!"
It hurt me to hear him speak discourteously to me yet he has always been polite to Dad. And I think he was discourteous to me because I look like I am half his age.
After Jeremiah failed to read the signs of my displeasure with him, I erupted into fury one morning and said some things to him that I can't remember. I really was furious.
Although he changed a bit after my angry outburst, something about him made me dislike him once in a while. Maybe it's due to the way he has been fond of giving me the silent treatment whenever I request him to do something for us.
Yesternight when I beseeched him to cook chapatis which we haven't eaten in a while, he just kept quiet. I was about to go to my room to feast on my supper when an inner voice told me I had to stop this silent treatment of his. So I turned on my heel and went back to the kitchen.
I informed Jeremiah in the kindest manner possible that I didn't like the way he has been fond of staying silent whenever I request him to do something for us. (Mark you, I always request him to do something, not command.)
Even though I tried to be kind, my voice was throbbing with emotion. I spoke with such a feeling that Dad sensed something was amiss. When he inquired what was wrong, I just dismissed the issue by saying I was sorting out some things with Jeremiah.
Then I entered my room, my mind heavy with thoughts. I wondered whether I had offended anyone. As I always do whenever my heart is troubled, I approached God in prayer and asked Him to fill me with peace.
Despite my emotional reaction, I became convinced that I had done the right thing by letting Jeremiah know he was hurting me with his silent treatment. At last, I had applied some wisdom I gleaned from a certain magazine I came across at the Kenya National Library in Nairobi back in 2011.
According to that magazine, when we notice a problem with someone we are working or staying with, most of us initially don't say anything about it. We just bottle up resentment until we explode all of a sudden.
In our anger, we say hurtful remarks like, "You make me sick! You always put me off! You never listen to what I say!"
Such hurtful remarks not only damage our relationship with the person we are criticizing, they also leave us feeling bad about ourselves. Our feelings of discontent intensify or remain the same.
I learnt from that magazine that there is a constructive way of criticizing someone. The magazine called it the criticism sandwich. We basically say the good sides of the person we are criticizing and then utter the bad side in between the compliments. For instance, you might criticize me this way:
Thuita, you are an exceptionally intelligent young man and I am proud to be your friend. But I think you'd even be a greater person if you realized it's not proper to share such information as this. I know it's most unlike you to get things wrong. You are so dependable and I want you to know how much I value you.That kind of criticism reveals that you've thought deeply about my problem and care about my feelings. It will inspire me to change without making me resent you. And it will improve the quality of our friendship.
In my talk with Jeremiah yesternight, I did some good by letting him know he was hurting me with his silent treatment. The only thing I didn't do was sandwich my criticism in between compliments of how dutiful he is and how great he is at cooking.
Next time I have a problem with someone I am working or staying with, I will strive to apply the criticism sandwich in its entirety when resolving the problem. Not an unwise course of action for you to take as well, my beloved reader!
*******************
RECOMMENDATION: If you've enjoyed the above story on how to criticize constructively, you might also enjoy another one titled "Part 1: Handling Criticism" which I wrote a couple of years ago. Just click on that link in blue to dive straight into the story.
