Rejecting Shame

I felt ashamed of being position 32 because I had never sunk that low in academic rankings since I began schooling in 1993. As I headed home for holiday after that first term in Starehe, I feared how my family members would react to my performance, for they had always placed a premium on academic excellence.
Just as I expected, my family panned my academic performance when I arrived home for the holiday. Dad had me do extra reading, especially in maths. At one time over that holiday when Mum instructed my kid brother Symo to leave me alone to study, Symo sarcastically replied that he would also become position 32 so that he could get the same sympathy Mum had on me.
A friend of mine named Francis Kariuki, who I regularly met in my hometown Catholic church, also joined the fray of those who criticized my academic performance. Francis quizzed me and then lamented on how ignorant I was on some high school subjects, which led him to mistakenly conclude that students from his little-known village school could beat those from Starehe Boys' Centre. At the time, Starehe was one of the best high schools in Kenya.
Looking back, I see no reason why I should have felt ashamed of my academic performance in my first term at Starehe. First, I had done my best; as a matter of fact, I had started reading high school books before we commenced classroom learning. Secondly, I was competing with the brightest boys in the country. Lastly, I still had plenty of room for improvement.
I did improve academically as my high school years wore on to the point of scoring an 'A' in the 2005 KCSE exams. But I seemed not to have learnt a lesson in rejecting shame because when I started taking SAT exams in 2006, I felt as shamefaced of my results as I did in 2002 when I ended up position 32 in my class. Imagine I sat for the SAT exams four times in a span of four years and never managed to score past 1940 marks. And 1940 was a low mark considering that most applicants who were accepted in the American colleges I was applying for admission scored over 2100 marks.
After I first took SAT exams in 2006, I was so embarrassed with my results that I cleverly covered my score on the result slip with a white-out. Then in 2007 when I sat for the SAT exams for the second time, I personally went to collect my SAT result slip from an institution in Nairobi since I feared it might be mailed to my Dad's postal address thus making my family know how I had performed mediocrely in the exams.
These days, I am striving to reject shame over my past mistakes or my present weaknesses by accepting myself, imperfect though I am, just like any other mortal who has ever walked on this planet. I am, for instance, now not ashamed to say that I am still living with my parents. And I am 32. (Yes, you had it right - 32!)
One reason I am still living with my parents are the challenges I have had to overcome. Challenges such as shyness, timidness, confusion, megalomania, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. So before you go out gossiping on how I am still living with my parents, walk for a mile in my shoes; feel the fears, heartaches and frustrations I have gone through - then you'll realize how hard I have worked to overcome my challenges.
Another reason I have chosen to live with my parents is because I am yet to meet my future wife, and I would hate to leave my parents' home to go live alone as that would attract poverty of the soul. And I believe it is better to wait long than to marry wrong.
Having accepted myself as an imperfect person, I am now working hard to become the independent person I desire to be while praying for breakthroughs and that divine connection to my future wife. And for so long as I am doing my best, I see no cause for feeling ashamed of my present circumstances.
My dear reader, I urge you to likewise reject shame. Let people know the authentic you, and don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. Remember it is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not. The only thing you should be ashamed of is shame. That's all I am saying.
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RECOMMENDATION: If you've enjoyed the above story on rejecting shame, you might also enjoy another one on "Learning It The Hard Way" which I wrote about three years ago. Just click on that link in blue to dive straight into the story.
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