Practicing Self-acceptance

As I have confessed before on this blog, I became an adult-film addict shortly after I finished high school in November 2005. I struggled to break free from that addiction for years and didn't succeed till last year. A real struggle it was.

Although I have kept away from adult websites for more than ten months now, the images I absorbed during my 17 years of addiction seem to be still embedded in my subconscious mind. For how else can you explain the lewd dreams that I sometimes have in my sleep at night?

Now, when I used to watch adult films, I would sometimes wonder how the actors have the guts to strip naked before cameras. I mean, don't the actors have a family and didn't they have teachers in school? And how do their families and former teachers react when they see them nude on videos shared all over the world?

Given how guilty I have felt about some of the foolish things I have done, it amazed me how the adult-film actors appeared confident and full of life after revealing their naked bodies on the internet. That made me think there was something fundamentally wrong with the way I was brought up.

Come to think of it, maybe the adult-film actors, some of whom have made a fortune from acting in adult films, have accepted who they are and what they do, unlike me who has had trouble coming to terms with the person I am. And that brings me to the topic of practicing self-acceptance.

I am learning to accept myself as I am, warts and all. No longer do I want to feel guilty over what I am or what I have done. I have, for instance, accepted the fact that I am still living in my father's home due to the laziness I acquired after going astray at the university in JKUAT in August 2008.

Imagine for years after I was discharged from JKUAT hospital where I had been diagnosed with a mental illness, I fought to stay awake on many mornings, another struggle that made me suspect the psychiatrists who handled me may have introduced into my brain some chemicals that interfered with my normal functioning.

My late mother had noted my proclivity for sleeping. Even though she understood me well enough not to reproach me for my slothfulness, she would sometimes call out my name and ask me in Kikuyu, "Are you still asleep?"

Because a chain is as strong as its weakest link, I have made a lot of effort to be diligent on those mornings when I am heavy-eyed. My efforts have borne fruit, for I have been active every morning since last year, apart from the few weeks early this year when I slackened a bit due to the sadness of losing my mother.

Along with laziness, another vice that has confined me to my father's home is immaturity. I dropped out of university following my ugly behaviour that I have narrated before on this blog. And after dropping out, I continued behaving immaturely. I would, for instance, send silly messages to friends. Such is the sort of immaturity I want to accept I have done.

Oh, I have not been such a bad fellow! I have had several positive qualities. Strangely, I have also found it hard to accept some of those qualities, such as my love of books, Jesus and Starehe Boys' Centre, the institution in Nairobi where I had my high school and college education.

Books have always excited me ever since I was a little boy. But in recent years, I have felt afraid of being seen holding a book. That's a fear I want to get rid of. I wish to be proud of carrying a book to occupy me during any idle moments that may arise.

And Jesus has become my best friend, invisible though He is. He has set me free from guilt and unhealthy addictions. In spite of all He has done for me, I have been ashamed of talking about Him. I will from now henceforth not shy away from mentioning His name to my friends.

As for Starehe Boys' Centre, I really cherish that school. It holds wonderful memories for me. But you know what? I have sometimes felt embarrassed of talking about my Starehe years on this blog. That's another weakness I am overcoming as I endeavor to fully accept myself.

My beloved reader, I beseech you to also accept yourself as you are. Keeping up appearances won't help you. The best way to become free and happy is to own up your weaknesses and be forgiving of yourself and others. And that's essentially all I am saying.

*********************
RECOMMENDATION: If you've enjoyed the above story on practicing self-acceptance, you might also enjoy another one on "Rejecting Shame" which I wrote a few years ago. Just click on that link in blue to dive straight into the story.