On Sex, Love & Relationships

Earlier on in this decade, I began attending an Anglican church near my home. In the course of attending that church, I joined its youth group. And wow, what a wonderful company the youths in the group were! I was impressed with the way they openly discussed sex and relationships. During one church youth meeting I attended on a Sunday afternoon for instance, the speaker gave us a lecture during which he told us that some people can undress a woman in their minds as she is talking. I found that statement amusing, especially taking into account that it was being uttered in a church.

Then on another Sunday afternoon, we - the youth group - went to visit one of our members called Liz in her rented room. We had lively conversations that afternoon, and I was impressed with myself for taking part in them; it showed how much I had grown. There was a time, I must tell you, when I used to feel horribly shy and aloof in social gatherings.

Among the issues we discussed at Liz's room on that Sunday afternoon were relationships. I advised the youths not to consider wealth as one of the criteria for selecting a relationship partner but instead look at character and potential for achievement. And I gave them an example of Hillary Clinton who fell in love with Bill Clinton in the 1970s when Bill was a man of little means.

As our conversations became more lively, I posed this question to the youth members, "What if you get married in church and then later on, you come across a woman who is better than your wife or a man who is better than your husband?"

One of the youths was so impressed with my question that she asked me to repeat it. I repeated the question and then began coming up with a solution by telling the youths that it is important to nurture a relationship with love and caring so that a spouse can't come across a person who is better than his marriage partner. But I was cut short by a youth who told me the married youths present in the room were the ones fit to answer my question. Unfortunately, I can't remember what they said.

After Liz served us with refreshments, we began introducing ourselves. I was the first one to stand up. " My name in Thuita J. Maina," I told them, "I am single and HIV negative." No sooner had I said I was single and HIV negative than the youths burst into laughter and excitement. It showed how fun they were.

And then on yet another Sunday evening as I was heading home, I passed by our church where I found several youths having an informal discussion about sex and relationships. I joined in the conversations in the course of which I told them I have never had sex.

"You mean you have never slept with a woman?" one of the youths called Mwanzia asked me in Sheng.

I again told them I had never had sex but being the honest young man that I am, I confessed to entertaining lustful thoughts in my mind. Then Liz mentioned the word I had been trying to avoid by shouting, "Masturbation!" When Liz began talking about masturbation and how sinful it is, I told her being a man is no easy task.

And when we began discussing about women and virginity that Sunday evening, I felt compelled to tell the youths about a Swahili play titled Kitumbua Kimeingia Mchanga that we studied in high school. The play was about a woman who people doubted whether she was a virgin because of the way she conversed with men a lot. But one man went ahead to marry her, and guess what! The night of the day they got married, the woman turned out to have been a virgin since blood oozed from her body during sex.

After I had finished sharing that story of the play with the youths, Mwanzia added thoughtfully in Sheng, "The quiet women are usually the worst!" By saying so, Mwanzia was insinuating that shy and reticent women are the ones who mostly mess up. That's all he said.

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