Becoming Assertive

The renowned neurosurgeon Ben Carson is one of my role models and favorite authors. I admire him not only because he is black like me but also because he has made it in life in spite of him being a softie.

Like Ben Carson, I am also a softie. I fear hurting the feelings of others, so I am often kind. And whenever I wrong someone, I strive to make up for it in one way or another.

Maybe it's due to my softness that I was never appointed a prefect during my high school years at Starehe Boys' Centre. Frankly speaking, I don't think I would have summoned the courage to command my fellow students to go down for twelve press-ups the way most prefects in the school did to errant boys.

It's also due to my softness that my siblings usually instruct my brother Bob Njinju to come home to supervise their projects. Bob, a former soldier, drives all the way from Nairobi to our home here in Kiserian where I live.

While there is nothing wrong with being a softie, I must admit that for many years, my softness bordered on timidness. I allowed others to bully or exploit me without me speaking up for myself. A doormat I was.

I continued being timid well into adulthood. Even after I turned 21, I was an adolescent in the body of a grown-up man.

At one time in 2010 when I was at the University of Nairobi for instance, I loaned some money to a female classmate and was afraid of asking for it back. I exhibited the same weakness in 2012 when I lent money to an evangelist in a local church. That's how timid I was.

After I acquired a disciplined lifestyle four years ago, I came to believe that I had evolved into a man of valor. But alas! Something happened several weeks ago that made me realize the Englishmen were right when they quipped that "old fears die hard".

Well, my brother Paddy brought home a valet named Jeremiah to be looking after our aging Dad. That evening Jeremiah came home, I became fearful of handing my clothes to him for washing. I worried that he might refuse the clothes and order me to wash them myself.

My fears, it turned out, were unfounded, for Jeremiah has been washing my clothes and cleaning my room since he came to live with us. He is such a submissive man despite him being much older than me.

Jeremiah is also hard-working. On his first morning here at home, he woke up before 5:00 a.m. to do some general cleaning in the house. And he often tries to keep himself busy during the day.

Perhaps on noting how kind and humble I am, Jeremiah has asked me to do some tasks in the house. Having grown smart enough to know that I shouldn't do chores that others are paid to do, I have assertively declined to do the tasks.

The great thing about Jeremiah is that he takes my "no" in good faith. He doesn't sulk or do something evil in retaliation; he just goes on with his duties like a clock that has shown the time.

If Jeremiah had come home a couple of years ago when I was a lazy and weak-kneed young man, he would have domineered over me. He would have made me carry out jobs that he, not I, is paid to do.

Not that I dislike Jeremiah, but I like to think that he represents all those people who have bossed me around in the past. It has been fulfilling for me to assertively resist his commands. And when I loaned him some money last month, I was bold enough to ask for it back.

Yes, my softness bordered on timidness for many years. I hate to think that some of the people I was afraid of could have been liars, fraudsters or addicts of various detrimental things. How glad I am that I have grown more assertive without becoming less kind and humble!

In a world full of theft, lying and exploitation, it's important for us to become assertive. To assert our rights and let our principles be known. Even Bill and Hillary Clinton, the most powerful couple in American history, encouraged their daughter to be assertive. That's all I am saying.

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RECOMMENDATION: If you've enjoyed the above story on becoming assertive, you might also enjoy another one on "Developing Courage" which I wrote more than five years ago. Just click on that link in blue to dive straight into the story.