Enjoying Solitude

Allow me, my beloved reader, to begin my story by asking you a question: "When you are alone in your room or out there in the streets walking, do you enjoy your own company?"
As for me, I have sometimes enjoyed my own company when alone. But at other times, the emotion of guilt has destroyed my inner peace.
I vividly recall the first time I felt dizzy with guilt. It was on an evening in 2009 when I was dropping out of JKUAT, a local university where I had been pursuing an engineering degree. That evening, I felt very guilty for no apparent reason. I was at war with myself.
A friend of mine called Sammy Murong'a tried to cheer me up that evening by taking me for a walk during which I pretended to be interested in whatever he was saying. I found his company a much needed escape from the turmoil that was simmering within me.
That same year in 2009 when I was reapplying to three top American colleges, I would at times feel guilty when coming home from revising for the SAT exam in Nairobi. Some voices within me would tell me that people were laughing at me for applying to top American colleges for the third time when my age-mates were in their third year at the university. Whenever I felt such guilt, I would long to reach home, collapse on a seat and read Myles Munroe's The Principles and Power of Vision, a book I had found encouraging.
Then later on in 2010 when I resumed attending church at All Saints' Cathedral in Nairobi, a guilt complex seized me one Saturday afternoon after I turned up for choir practice at the cathedral. Imagine I felt so guilty on my way back home that I avoided walking on some streets for fear of meeting people I knew. It was like I was running away from people who weren't chasing me.
And then in 2011 when I was at the University of Nairobi (I wasn't accepted at any of the three top American colleges I applied for admission in 2009), I felt horribly guilty as I left the university clinic where I had been admitted following my foolish behavior. This time, I felt like the whole world was criticizing me.
Over the years since 2011, I have had recurring emotions of guilt which have hindered me from enjoying my own company. Of late, I have been striving to overcome those negative emotions by talking to myself affirmatively: that I am a wonderful person. Different ... yes. Imperfect ... certainly. But nonetheless valuable.
I will continue talking to myself affirmatively. By talking to myself, I mean the mental conversations I hold with myself all day long. My goal is to enjoy my own company, now and always, whether alone in my room or out there in the streets walking. I beseech you, my beloved reader, to also strive doing the same. Adieu!
*******************
RECOMMENDATION: If you've enjoyed the above story on enjoying solitude, you might also like another one on "Slaying the Dragon of Guilt" which I wrote sometime back. Just click on that link in blue to jump straight into the story.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sharing is Caring
Like the above story? Then share it on:

